Less Struggle. More Success.
What Changes When We Stop Resisting
Something interesting has been happening in my life lately.
Things that once would have sent me into a frenzy of problem-solving, frustration, and stress simply don't seem to have the same effect on me anymore.
And here's the surprising part:
The less I struggle to make things happen, the more things seem to be working out.
For someone who has spent most of her life believing that getting what she wants requires determination, resourcefulness, and a whole lot of effort, this has been quite a revelation!
You see, I've always considered resourcefulness one of my greatest strengths.
Give me a problem, and I'll find a solution. Put an obstacle in my path, and I'll figure out how to get around it. If Plan A doesn't work, there's always Plan B. And C. And, if necessary, the rest of the alphabet!
But recently, I've come to recognize something about that resourcefulness that I hadn't fully appreciated before.
It wasn't necessarily a strength I developed by choice. It was a strength I developed out of survival.
Growing up, I learned that if I wanted or needed something, I had to figure out how to get it myself. I didn't believe there was someone I could rely on to help. I learned if I wanted something I had to go get it myself.
And while that experience taught me to be independent, creative, and persistent, it also left me with an unconscious belief:
If I wanted something, I had to struggle for it.
And boy, did I become good at struggling! I'm pretty sure I still have the gold crown from winning the World Championship of Making Things Harder Than They Need to Be!"
When Determination Becomes Resistance
For years, when something didn't work out the way I expected, I didn't simply experience disappointment.
I made it personal.
A missed opportunity became another reason to believe I wasn't good enough.
A delay left me wondering what I was doing wrong.
An unexpected obstacle made me question whether I was trying hard enough, or perhaps even deserving enough, to have what I wanted.
And what did I do with those feelings?
First, I cried, but then, eventually, I would continue and pushed harder!
More planning. More problem-solving. More trying to figure out how to make something happen. Kind of like fitting the square peg into the round hole.
I thought I was being determined. And sometimes I was.
But looking back, I can see that some of that determination was actually being fueled by fear.
I wasn't just working toward something I wanted. I was working against the possibility that I might not deserve it.
That's an important distinction.
Because resistance doesn't always look like procrastination or avoidance.
Sometimes resistance looks like doing too much.
Overthinking. Overplanning. Trying to control every possible outcome.
Have you ever noticed how exhausting it can be to try to make life cooperate with your plans?
And while your mind is busy searching for solutions, your body is joining the struggle.
The tight shoulders. The knot in your stomach. The restless feeling that you can't relax until everything is figured out.
These physical sensations show up as signs of your nervous system responding to stress, even when the threat isn't physical, but the meaning you've attached to what's happening, because nothing happens inthe mind that doesn't affect the body.
Your mind may be trying to solve a problem, while your body is experiencing it as a threat.
And here's the irony: Stress can make it harder to think flexibly and recognize new possibilities, the very abilities we need when things don't go according to plan.
So sometimes, the harder we try to force a solution, the harder we make it to find one.
What Happens When We Stop Fighting What Is?
This is where I've noticed such a remarkable change in myself.
Today, when something doesn't work out, I might feel disappointed for a moment. But instead of questioning my worth or immediately trying to force another outcome, I find myself thinking:
Okay, that didn't work out. Maybe that wasn't the right opportunity. What else is possible?
And then I move on.
No emotional spiral. No frantic search for what I did wrong. No assumption that I need to work twice as hard.
Just an acceptance of what happened and a willingness to see what comes next.
This doesn't mean I sit around sipping margaritas, waiting for the universe to drop everything I want into my lap. (Although I wouldn't turn down the margarita!)
I still have dreams, goals, and plenty of things I want to accomplish. And I certainly haven't lost my resourcefulness!
I've simply stopped believing that every obstacle requires a battle.
I've also discovered that accepting what is doesn't mean giving up on what could be.
It means recognizing that I can take action without trying to control every outcome.
I can experience disappointment without experiencing myself as a failure.
And perhaps most importantly, I can trust that something not working out doesn't mean something is wrong with me.
The Surprising Power of Allowing
Here's what I find so fascinating.
The less I've tried to force things to happen, the more opportunities and solutions seem to be presenting themselves! For someone who spent most of her life believing that struggle and hard work were keys to success, discovering that less struggle could actually lead to more success was quite the twist to my plot, and never imagined....You mean I could do things easier? Coincidence? Maybe.
But I think it is something else...
When I'm no longer consumed by frustration, fear, or self-judgment, I'm more open to possibilities I might previously have overlooked.
Psychologists call this ability to adapt to changing circumstances while staying connected to what matters to us psychological flexibility.
And it makes sense.
When we're not spending so much emotional energy fighting what has already happened, we have more energy available to respond to what might happen next.
Perhaps the opportunity we thought we needed wasn't the right one.
Perhaps the delay is giving us time to discover something we hadn't considered.
Or perhaps the obstacle is inviting us to approach things differently.
That doesn't mean every disappointment happens for a reason or that acceptance guarantees success.
But it does mean we can stop making an already difficult situation harder by fighting ourselves along the way.
Maybe allowing isn't the opposite of achieving. Maybe it's a more peaceful way of getting there.
Keeping the Strength, Releasing the Struggle
This is exactly why I created Mindology: Where Mind Meets Physiology.
Because the beliefs we develop throughout our lives don't simply influence what we think.
They influence how we feel, how our bodies respond, and how we approach the experiences and opportunities in front of us.
Through the D.A.R.E. Method, I help people recognize the unconscious beliefs that may be shaping their experiences, usually always, without their awareness.
And one of the most fascinating discoveries is that some of our greatest strengths can develop alongside beliefs that eventually limit us.
My resourcefulness is a perfect example.
I wouldn't trade it for anything. It has helped me overcome challenges, create opportunities, and accomplish things I once thought impossible.
But I've realized that I can keep the gift without continuing to carry the struggle that created it.
I can be determined without believing everything has to be difficult.
I can be independent without believing I'm on my own.
And I can pursue what I want without believing I have to prove I deserve it.
What a difference that makes...not just in how I think, but in how I feel as I move through my life...so much more freedom!
What Might Your Struggle Be Teaching You?
So here's something I invite you to consider:
Think about something in your life you've been struggling to make happen.
Something you've been pushing, forcing, worrying about, or trying desperately to control.
Now ask yourself:
Am I working this hard because it's truly necessary? Or because somewhere along the way, I learned that getting what I want has to be difficult? and now everything has to be difficult.
And what might happen if, instead of resisting what's happening, you became curious about what it might be teaching you and release the personal attachment, and just Allow...
Maybe there's another approach you haven't considered. Another opportunity you haven't noticed. Or a belief you've been carrying that no longer deserves to be in charge.
I've discovered that I don't have to stop wanting something simply because I've stopped struggling to get it.
And perhaps that's the question worth sitting with:
What if the very thing you're fighting so hard to overcome is trying to teach you that the struggle was never a requirement for your success? What if it was just that easy?
What Are You Ready to Stop Struggling With?
If you've recognized yourself somewhere in this story, perhaps it's time to get curious about the beliefs that may be making life harder than it needs to be.
I'd love to connect for a complimentary virtual conversation and explore what's possible together.
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