Why not knowing how doesn’t mean there is no way.
I recently read a sentence that stopped me:
“Despair comes from the inability to perceive, create or construct a future.”
I read it again.
Because as a Health & Wellness Coach, one of the first questions I often ask someone is:
“What is your vision for the future?”
You might think that would be an easy question.
It often isn’t.
When someone is overwhelmed by a problem, a relationship that isn’t working, financial stress, a career that feels impossible, a health challenge, family conflict, or simply a life that no longer feels like their own, their attention can become consumed by what is happening right now.
They can usually tell me everything they DON’T want.
I don’t want to feel this way anymore.
I don’t want to keep fighting.
I don’t want this job.
I don’t want to be so stressed.
I don’t want to keep living like this.
All of those feelings are real.
But then I ask:
“What DO you want?”
And sometimes there is silence.
When the Problem Becomes the Only Direction We Can See
When we’re living inside a problem, our attention naturally goes toward what’s wrong, what hurts, what we’re afraid will happen, what we need to stop, and what we don’t know how to fix.
And the more we focus on the problem, the easier it can become to go down the rabbit hole.
What if this happens?
What if I can’t fix it?
What if it gets worse?
What if I lose everything?
One frightening possibility leads to another.
Before we know it, we’re no longer dealing only with the problem that is actually happening.
We’re dealing with every frightening version of the future our mind has imagined could happen.
There is actually research behind this.
Psychologists use the term perseverative cognition to describe the continued worry and rumination we can experience around stressful events and feared outcomes. Research suggests that repeatedly thinking about a stressor can prolong our emotional and physiological stress response beyond the event itself.
In other words:
The problem can exist once in our life but hundreds of times in our mind.
Our brain is also designed to pay attention to potential threats. That protective system has an important job: to help keep us safe.
But when we’re under stress, more and more of our attention can become focused on the perceived threat. And that can make it harder to step outside the problem, think flexibly, and recognize other possibilities.
So the cycle can begin to look something like this:
Problem → imagine a negative outcome → experience more fear and stress → focus even more on the threat → imagine more negative possibilities → have greater difficulty seeing alternatives and solutions → experience even more fear and stress.
And around we go.
But here’s something important to remember:
Protective doesn’t always mean predictive
Our brain imagining something terrible is not evidence that something terrible is going to happen.
It may simply be doing what it has learned to do very well: Look for danger.
What If We Gave Our Mind Somewhere Else to Go?
This is often where something begins to shift in coaching.
I don’t necessarily ask someone to tell me how they’re going to get from where they are to where they want to be.
They may have absolutely no idea. Instead, I ask:
“What DO you want to happen?”
What would you like the other side of this to look like?
How would you like to feel?
What would you like your relationships to look like?
How would you like to wake up in the morning?
What would you like your work to feel like?
What would peace look like?
What would financial security look like?
What would feeling healthy, connected, confident, or fulfilled look like for you?
Suddenly, we’re having a very different conversation.
We’re no longer only talking about what needs to disappear.
We’re beginning to talk about what could exist in its place.
The problem hasn’t changed...our focus has.
And that change in focus gives our mind another option.
If We Can Imagine What Could Go Wrong...
Think about how incredibly creative we can become when we’re afraid.
In a matter of minutes, we can construct an entire future around something that hasn’t even happened.
We imagine the conversation going badly...The relationship ending...The opportunity disappearing... The money running out...The diagnosis being the worst possibility.
The future falling apart.
And our body may begin responding to those imagined possibilities as though we need to prepare for them right now.
But consider this:
If our mind is capable of imagining a negative future that hasn’t happened, it is also capable of imagining a positive one that hasn’t happened.
Why not use that extraordinary ability in both directions?
Why not allow ourselves to more joyfully imagine:
What if this works out?
What if there is another solution?
What if something I can’t see yet becomes possible?
What if I handle this better than I think I will?
What if what comes next is actually better than what I’m leaving behind?
That isn’t denying reality.
It isn’t pretending everything will turn out exactly the way we want.
And it isn’t magical thinking.
It is refusing to give the negative possibility exclusive ownership of our imagination.
Our Brain Is Capable of Looking Ahead
Psychologists use the word prospection to describe our ability to mentally represent possible futures.
Research has connected this capacity to emotion, motivation, decision-making, and behavior. Research on hope also suggests that hope is about much more than simply wishing for something good to happen.
Psychologist C. R. Snyder’s influential work described hope as involving desired goals, the motivation to move toward them, and the ability to perceive possible pathways for getting there.
I love that distinction.
Hope isn’t:
Everything will magically work out.
Hope can begin with something much simpler:
There may be another possibility from here.
And once we allow ourselves to perceive another possibility, we can begin looking for pathways toward it.
I Ask Another Question
When someone tells me they can’t see how their situation could possibly change, I often ask:
“Have you ever had another time in your life when you thought there was absolutely no way out, and somehow you found one?”
Almost everyone can think of something.
Then I ask:
“How much did you suffer before you discovered the answer?”
Usually the answer is:
A lot.
They worried...Lost sleep.
Played out every terrible possibility.
Tried to control things they couldn’t control.
Convinced themselves there was no answer.
And then somehow...
Something changed...An opportunity appeared.
They made a decision...Someone helped.
They learned something...They changed direction.
Or they discovered a solution they couldn’t possibly have imagined when they were standing in the middle of the problem.
That’s often when I see the aha moment.
Because now I can ask:
“So what if this time you didn’t have to suffer until you knew the answer?”
What if you could begin by believing there may be an answer you simply can’t see yet?
“I Don’t Know How” Doesn’t Mean “There Is No Way”
Imagine you’re driving to a destination you’ve never been to before.
Suddenly, your GPS stops working.
You don’t recognize the road. You don’t know which turn to take. And for the moment, you have absolutely no idea how you’re going to get where you’re going.
What do you do?
Do you pull over, turn off the car, and decide you’ll never get there?
Probably not.
You start looking for another way forward.
Maybe you stop and ask for directions. Maybe you find a map. Maybe your GPS reconnects. Maybe you retrace your steps. Maybe you discover another route you didn’t even know existed.
But here’s the important part:
You don’t give up on the destination simply because you temporarily don’t know how to get there.
You trust that there may be another route—even when you can’t see it yet.
Why is it so much harder to offer ourselves that same possibility when we feel lost in our lives?
When a relationship is struggling, a career isn’t working, finances feel overwhelming, or life takes an unexpected turn, we can become convinced that because we can’t see the way forward right now, there isn’t one.
But these are two very different statements:
“I don’t know how.” and “There is no way.”
What if we stopped confusing the two?
We may not have the map yet...We may need help.
We may have to change direction.
We may even discover that the route we originally planned isn’t the one that ultimately gets us there.
But we can still keep the destination in sight.
This is where intention becomes our compass.
We begin with:
Where do I want to go?
And then remain open to:
What might move me one step closer?
Intention Gives Us a Direction
Setting an intention doesn’t mean we simply imagine something wonderful and wait for life to deliver it.
It isn’t forced positive thinking.
And it certainly isn’t a guarantee that everything will happen exactly as we envision it.
Intention gives us direction.
Research on mental contrasting has looked at what happens when we imagine a desired future while also acknowledging the real obstacles between where we are and where we want to be. It suggests that when we combine a desired future with an honest look at what may stand in our way, and then identify specific actions we can take when those obstacles arise, we can improve our ability to move toward our goals.
In other words, imagining the future we want isn't about escaping reality. It can help us engage with reality differently.
We see the destination.
When we combine that with specific plans for how we might respond to those obstacles, we begin turning a desired future into possible action.
In other words, intention isn’t:
I want this, therefore it will happen.
It’s closer to:
This is where I want to go. What choices, possibilities, resources, and actions might begin moving me in that direction?
That is a very different way of using our mind.
Instead of continually asking it to search for everything that could go wrong, we begin asking it to recognize what could go right, and what role we might play in moving toward it.
We can’t control every outcome. Other people make choices. Circumstances change.
Unexpected things happen.
Sometimes the road takes us somewhere we never intended to go.
But we can become more intentional about where we place our attention, what possibilities we consider, the decisions we make, and the actions we take.
That gives us something the negative default doesn’t:
Direction.
From Problem-Focused to Possibility-Focused
It doesn’t mean we pretend a serious problem isn’t serious.
It doesn’t mean grief, fear, anger, disappointment, or uncertainty should be pushed aside.
And it certainly doesn’t mean every difficult situation has a simple solution.
It means we don’t allow the problem to become the only future our mind is permitted to imagine.
We acknowledge:
This is where I am.
And then we add:
But this doesn’t have to be where I stay.
That tiny shift opens another door....Not certainty. ..Possibility.
And possibility gives us somewhere to go.
Give Your Mind a Future Worth Moving Toward
If our mind is capable of constructing a frightening future that hasn’t happened yet, it is also capable of imagining a future we actually want.
There is a reason the negative can come so easily.
Our brain is trying to protect us.
It looks for what could go wrong because anticipating danger has helped human beings survive.
But again:
Protective doesn’t always mean predictive.
Just because our brain can imagine the worst outcome doesn’t mean that’s the outcome that is going to happen.
And perhaps this is where we can begin taking back some of our power.
Not by trying to control everything that happens.
But by becoming more intentional about what we give our mind to work with.
If we can construct a future filled with everything we’re afraid might happen, why not give ourselves permission to more joyfully construct the future we would actually love to see happen?
Not as fantasy.
Not as a guarantee.
As a direction.
Ask yourself:
What DO I want?
What would I love the other side of this to look like?
What choices can I make today that move me in that direction?
We don’t have to allow our brain’s protective focus on what could go wrong to be the only voice determining where we look next.
We can choose a destination.
We can look for another route.
We can take the next turn.
And maybe we can even experience a little more joy imagining where we want to go instead of continually rehearsing where we’re afraid we might end up.
We don’t need the whole map.
We don’t have to know every turn.
And we don’t have to mistake:
“I can’t see the way”
for
“There is no way.”
Because if your mind can imagine the future you fear, imagine what could happen when you also give it a future worth moving toward.
You don’t have to see the road ahead to believe there may be one. You just have to know
where you want to go.
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