The Price of Performing
What It Costs Us to Become Who We Think We Need to Be
This week, I felt both sad and inspired. With the death of Dolly Parton I realized how we lost such an amazing, talented, warm, loving icon showing us how to always be accepting, non judgmental, and fully authentically herself, which felt like a huge loss. I don't think any of us realized the hidden message she validated for us...and that made me think about the gifts she offered even bigger than her music.
It made me think about her authenticity.
There are so many things we can remember about Dolly: her talent, humor, generosity, kindness, business savvy, and an extraordinary career that took her from humble beginnings in Tennessee to becoming one of the most recognizable and beloved people in the world. That in and of itself is a powerful inspirational story! However, there was always something else about her that was unmistakable: Dolly knew who Dolly was.
She didn't seem interested in becoming less of Dolly to make other people comfortable.
Everything about her was authentically Dolly: The hair. The clothes. The accent. The humor. The faith. The music. The businesswoman. The philanthropist. The woman who could laugh at herself while simultaneously knowing exactly what she was capable of.
She didn't fit herself into one tidy little box.
And perhaps that's one reason so many very different people loved her.
She gave herself permission to be herself, and by doing that, she was able to use her authentic gifts and talents to shine! She NEVER tried to become something she thought would be more successful. She ALWAYS believed in her gifts, talents and gifts, and just kept showing them off, and by doing this, we all recognized the uniqueness of what she offered us, and that made us love her more.
Her passing reminded me of something I think many of us forget:
When we stop performing as who we think we NEED to be, we open ourselves up to being who we were born to be, with all of our natural gifts, talents, and strengths.
The Persona We Learn to Perform
Most of us didn't consciously decide one morning to create a different version of ourselves.
It happened gradually.
We learned what received approval...What caused rejection...What made someone proud of us.
What disappointed them...What got attention...What created conflict.
What made us feel loved, or what made us feel left out.
And somewhere along the way, many of us began creating a persona based not entirely upon who we are/were, but upon who we believed we needed to be.
Maybe I need to be more successful...More agreeable...Less emotional.
More accomplished...More attractive...More independent...More outgoing.
More productive...Less needy.,,More like them.
Maybe we believe we need to be a certain kind of person to make the money we want.
A different kind of person to attract or keep a partner.
Another version of ourselves to be accepted professionally.
Or perhaps we've simply learned that certain parts of ourselves are more acceptable than others, so we lead with those and quietly tuck the rest away.
For some of us, that persona appears primarily in one area of life.
Maybe you're completely yourself with your friends but become someone different at work.
Maybe you're confident professionally but disappear inside your relationships.
Maybe you're wonderfully expressive at home but terrified to let the world see your gifts out of fear of rejection.
And for some of us, that constructed version of ourselves begins showing up almost everywhere.
Eventually, something strange happens.
We become very practiced at performing as someone we were never particularly comfortable being.
And there is a price for that performance.
Imagine a Bird Trying to Become a Fish
Imagine a beautiful bird standing beside a lake.
All around it are magnificent fish moving effortlessly through the water.
The bird watches them and decides:
That's what success looks like.
So it jumps in.
It works harder...It studies the fish...It watches how they move.
It tries to copy what seems to come so naturally to them.
And when it struggles, it criticizes itself.
Why can't I do this?..What's wrong with me?
Why does this seem so much easier for everyone else?
So it tries harder...And harder.
Until eventually it concludes:
Maybe I'm just not very good, Maybe I'm a looser, Maybe I just have no talent....the thoughts can go on and on.
But there was never anything wrong with the bird.
It was simply measuring its worth by how well it could swim while completely overlooking the wings on its back.
Think about how often we do exactly that.
We spend years trying to become good at being someone we believe will earn us love, success, money, approval, or belonging.
And because it doesn't come naturally, we stumble.
We make mistakes.
We wonder why something that seems so easy for someone else feels so difficult for us.
And sometimes, we begin to feel like failures because somewhere deep inside, we know:
This isn't me.
Maybe the problem isn't that we aren't trying hard enough.
Maybe we're trying too hard to become someone we're not.
Maybe it's time to stop studying the fish and finally recognize our wings.
The Price Our Mind and Body Pay
This is where authenticity becomes more than an inspirational idea.
It becomes a Mindology conversation.
Mindology is Mind-Body Intelligence; where mind meets physiology.
Think about the enormous amount of internal work involved when we're constantly monitoring ourselves:
Did I say the right thing?...Do they like me?...Am I doing enough?
Should I act differently?...What do they expect from me?
Am I succeeding at being the person I'm supposed to be?
Its exhausting!
This is not living a happy, purposeful life. It is creating what I call S.I.S. Self Imposed Stress. The stress of always striving, and never achieving.
And when love, acceptance, success, security, or belonging feels dependent upon maintaining that persona, the stakes become even higher.
A mistake isn't just a mistake...It can feel like exposure.
Criticism isn't simply information.
It feels like proof that we've failed at being the person we thought we needed to be.
Rejection doesn't only hurt.
It can activate something deeper:
Maybe who I really am isn't enough.
We're continually evaluating...Adjusting...Anticipating...Protecting.
Trying harder...Trying not to get it wrong.
And when our brain perceives that acceptance or security depends upon getting the performance right, our nervous system remains on alert.
Instead of operating from creativity, curiosity, confidence, and possibility, we can begin operating from protection.
From autopilot...From survival.
We become so busy asking: “Who do I need to be here?”
that we stop asking the much more important question:
"What Gifts do I offer to achieve what I desire"
That may be one of the greatest prices we pay for performing.
We can become so focused on being who we think we need to be that we lose sight of the gifts, talents, and strengths of the person we already are.
What If Your Gifts Were Supposed to Lead?
This is what Dolly's life made me reconsider.
What if instead of building our lives around our perceived deficiencies, we began building them around our natural strengths?
What if we stopped asking:
What am I missing? and started asking:
What did I come here already carrying?
Maybe you're naturally compassionate...Maybe you make people feel safe.
Maybe you see possibilities other people miss...Maybe you teach.
Create...Organize...Lead... Listen...Write...Inspire...Solve.
Maybe there are things you do so naturally that you've never considered them particularly valuable.
That's often the irony of a gift.
Because it comes naturally to us, we assume it must not be anything special.
Meanwhile, we can spend enormous amounts of energy trying to develop characteristics that someone else possesses because we've decided those are the characteristics required for success.
The bird keeps practicing its swimming while ignoring its wings.
But what happens when we stop fighting what comes naturally to us?
What happens when we begin trusting the things we're actually good at?
When our gifts, talents, strengths, values, and desires begin guiding the choices we make?
Something begins to shift.
We're no longer using so much of our energy trying to maintain an identity that doesn't fit.
We can now redirect that energy toward discovering, exploring, and utilizing the gifts, talents, and strengths that have always been authentically ours.
We stop performing our lives and begin living our lives.
And perhaps that's when our real power begins to emerge.
Because we're finally using what was extraordinary within us all along.
Authenticity Doesn't Mean We Stop Growing
There is an important distinction here.
Being your authentic self does not mean:
“This is just who I am, so I never have to change.”
Quite the opposite...
Authenticity can require tremendous courage and growth because it asks us to distinguish between: Who I really am and Who fear taught me I needed to be.
such as: People-pleasing...Perfectionism...Overachieving...Hiding...Controlling.
Staying small...Constantly proving ourselves...Never asking for help.
Always being the strong one.
Those patterns may have helped us feel accepted, protected, valued, or safe at another point in our lives, but they aren't necessarily who we are. When we are pretending to be who we think we need to be, we are ALWAYS feeling anxious and stressed because this is a performance.
Discovering our authentic self isn't about adding anything at all...
It's about removing what fear convinced us we needed to become.
This Is Where D.A.R.E. Becomes Powerful
The D.A.R.E. Method isn't about manufacturing a better personality.
It's about becoming conscious of the beliefs that may have pulled us away from ourselves.
Discover: What do I believe I have to be in order to be loved, accepted, successful, worthy, or safe?
Assess: Where did I learn that? How has trying to live according to that belief affected my choices, relationships, work, and wellbeing?
Recreate: What do I believe now? Who am I when I'm not performing for approval? What are my actual gifts, strengths, values, and desires?
Expand: How do I begin living from that truth—not occasionally, but consistently—allowing who I really am to guide the choices I make?
This isn't about becoming someone new.
It's about finally giving ourselves permission to be who we were born to be.
When We Allow Ourselves to Be, We also give permission for Others to Be Their Authentic selves.
What I found so inspiring about Dolly was both her willingness to be herself, which was all about generosity and kindness, but also, her deep belief in who she was and her talents. She did not take "no" for an answer when faced with rejection, because she believed she had a talent to share with the world that could help people.
But I think there is another kind of generosity that comes with authenticity.
When we're comfortable allowing ourselves to be who we are, it becomes easier to allow other people to be who they are.
We don't need everyone to look like us...Think like us...Believe like us....Choose like us or
Live like us.
And perhaps that is one of the greatest gifts of authenticity.
Dolly Parton spent her life showing the world what happens when you are willing to be unmistakably yourself, and with that demonstration, she not only left a legacy for us, but she became an icon of authenticity and its gifts.
Perhaps one of the most meaningful ways we can honor a life like hers isn't by trying to become more like Dolly, but by finally giving ourselves permission to become unmistakably ourselves.
What gifts are you hiding behind who you think you need to be?
Allow yourself to D.A.R.E. Your Beliefs and let go of who you thought you needed to be to embrace who you were born to be, and let your gifts, talents, and strengths serve both you and the world.
If you would like some guidance on how to get you there, schedule your FREE Consultation, and let's bring more gifts to the world....we need you!
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