What Is the Problem Under the Problem?
Three questions that may reveal what’s happening underneath.
We live in a world full of advice.
Five ways to be happier -Seven steps to a better relationship -
Three things successful people do before breakfast - How to set boundaries.
How to stop overthinking. How to be more confident. How to get unstuck.
And sometimes those strategies are helpful, but sometimes they are not, because we haven't gotten to the problem under the problem.
What happens when you know what you’re supposed to do, and you still don’t do it?
What happens when you’ve read the books, listened to the podcasts, made the lists, set the goals, and promised yourself that this time will be different...
Yet somehow you find yourself back in the same place?
Maybe you keep choosing the same kinds of relationships.
Maybe you work harder and harder but never feel as though you’re getting ahead.
Maybe an opportunity finally arrives and, instead of stepping toward it, something in you pulls back.
Maybe one small comment can send you into hours of self-doubt.
Maybe you keep telling yourself you need a better strategy when, underneath it all, something much deeper may be influencing the choices you make.
Sometimes the problem isn’t about what’s happening around us.
It’s what may be happening underneath.
A belief we formed long ago. A conclusion we drew about ourselves. Something we learned about love, safety, success, belonging, money, worthiness, or what we’re “allowed” to have.
And we may not even realize it’s there driving everything we think about and do.
So instead of another list of things to do, perhaps it’s time to ask ourselves some deeper questions.
Question 1: Could I Be Self-Sabotaging Without Realizing It?
When we hear the words self-sabotage, we may imagine knowingly destroying something we want.
But self-sabotage is rarely that obvious.
Sometimes it looks like turning down the opportunity you secretly prayed for because you don’t recognize it as an opportunity, or because stepping into it feels strangely uncomfortable, or some finite little issue you "think" you detect gets blown up in your mind as a full scale limitation to say "no" to.
Sometimes it’s staying in the “safe” relationship even though you’re slowly disappearing within it, because leaving feels even less safe.
Sometimes it’s quitting just before something begins to change because you’ve decided, This isn’t working anyway.
Sometimes it’s minimizing your gifts and calling it humility, while trying to copy what someone else does brilliantly, and then wondering what’s wrong with you because you can only do it adequately.
And sometimes it looks like constantly pushing yourself harder.
Do more.
Try harder.
Work longer.
Don’t stop.
But here’s a question worth asking:
Is working harder supporting an aligned strategy, or has working harder become the strategy?
Those are not the same thing.
Sometimes our behavior makes very little sense until we understand the belief underneath it.
Maybe somewhere inside is a belief such as:
I’m not allowed to have this.
If I become successful, people I love will reject me.
Success just doesn't happen to people like me
If I stand out, I’ll be criticized.
This isn’t for someone like me.
I don’t deserve this.
This doesn’t feel safe.
These beliefs aren’t usually found in our conscious thoughts....because they are UNCONSCIOUS beliefs we are not aware of.
Many of them began as conclusions we formed from earlier experiences, often when we were too young to understand those experiences from an adult perspective.
And what once helped us make sense of our world may continue influencing us long after the circumstances have changed.
So instead of asking only:
“Why do I keep doing this?”
Try asking:
“What would I have to believe for this behavior to make sense?”
That question can take us somewhere very different.
Question 2: Are My Beliefs Creating Roadblocks in My Life?
Have you ever felt as though you keep hitting the same wall, just in different forms?
Different relationship. Same feeling.
Different job. Same frustration.
Different opportunity. Same hesitation.
Different goal. Same exhaustion.
It’s easy to call it bad luck.
And sometimes circumstances genuinely are outside our control.
But when we begin noticing a pattern, it may be worth getting curious about what we are bringing into that pattern ourselves.
Do you repeatedly find yourself in relationships with people who criticize, dismiss, or drain you?
Do you work incredibly hard but never feel you’ve done enough?
Do you reach the edge of something you really want and suddenly find a hundred reasons why now isn’t the right time?
Do you finally get something good and immediately begin worrying about when it will disappear?
Do you have difficulty receiving support, praise, love, money, recognition, or opportunity?
Instead of immediately trying to fix the behavior, ask:
“What do I believe I’m allowed to have?”
And perhaps even more revealing:
“What do I believe might happen if I actually had it?”
Because sometimes the roadblock isn’t that we don’t want something badly enough.
Part of us may want it desperately.
But another part may associate having it with danger.
If success once brought criticism...
If speaking up once brought rejection...
If love once came with conditions...
If being visible once made you a target...
If asking for what you needed once resulted in disappointment...
Then pulling back may not feel like self-sabotage to your nervous system.
It may feel like protection.
And that distinction matters.
Because we can spend years criticizing ourselves for a behavior that makes much more sense once we understand what it has been trying to protect us from.
Question 3: Are My Emotional Triggers Being Fed by Unseen Beliefs?
Have you ever had someone make a relatively small comment and found that it affected you for the rest of the day?
Maybe you replay the conversation over and over.
I should have said this.
Why did they say that?
What did they mean by that?
Maybe you over-apologize.
Maybe you become defensive.
Maybe a disagreement with someone you love escalates far beyond the issue you were originally discussing.
Maybe you feel rejected, dismissed, left out, unimportant, or not enough...again.
The emotion itself isn’t necessarily the problem.
It may be the clue.
Because we don’t respond only to what someone says or does.
We also respond to what we believe it means.
A delayed text might simply mean someone is busy.
But if it touches an old belief that says People always leave me, it can feel like rejection.
Feedback may simply be feedback.
But if it touches I’m not good enough, it can feel like proof.
Someone disagreeing with us may simply mean they see something differently.
But if it touches My voice doesn’t matter, suddenly the conversation can become about far more than the subject being discussed.
The trigger is happening in the present.
But the meaning we give it may be much older.
That’s why simply telling ourselves to “calm down,” “stop overreacting,” or “let it go” often isn’t enough.
Instead, we can become curious.
What did that moment mean to me?
What did I immediately believe about myself?
What did I fear was happening?
Have I felt this feeling before?
And perhaps the most revealing:
What belief am I holding on to that would make my reaction make sense?
What If You Could Recognize It Sooner?
Imagine what could change if you began recognizing these patterns before they automatically took over.
What if instead of immediately reacting, you recognized?
Instead of criticizing yourself for sabotaging an opportunity, you became curious about what made the opportunity feel unsafe.
Instead of automatically working harder, you stopped long enough to ask whether harder was actually taking you where you wanted to go.
Instead of assuming someone else had just made you feel “not enough,” you recognized that their words may have touched a belief about not being enough that was already there.
That doesn’t mean other people’s behavior doesn’t matter.
It doesn’t mean everything difficult that happens in our lives is caused by our beliefs.
And it certainly doesn’t mean we should blame ourselves for painful circumstances.
It means we become willing to look at what is beneath the emotional response....what do I THINK this means? vs. what is really is.
What am I believing, and how is that belief affecting what I do next?
Because awareness creates something an unconscious pattern doesn’t give us:
Choice.
Once we recognize the belief, we can begin questioning it.
Is this actually true?
Is it true now?
Or is this something I learned to believe a long time ago?
Is this belief protecting me, or limiting me?
What might I choose if this belief were no longer making the decision for me?
And maybe that is where real change begins.
Not with another list of things we should be doing.
But with the willingness to understand why we keep doing what we do.
D.A.R.E. to Look Underneath
This is at the heart of why I created the D.A.R.E. Method.
Discover the unconscious belief beneath the pattern.
Assess where it came from and how it may still be affecting your life.
Recreate a belief that reflects who you authentically are; all your gifts, talents and strengths, what supports what you want today, not who you had to be years ago.
Expand that new belief by recognizing the old patterns, pivoting, and continuing to utilize your authentic self to rebuild the foundation of you, and begin living and loving your life.
Because when we don’t recognize what’s underneath, we can spend years trying to change the outcome while unknowingly repeating the belief that helps create the pattern.
So this week, instead of asking yourself:
“What’s wrong with me?”
Try asking:
“What might I believe that makes this pattern make sense?”
And then listen.
Not with judgment.
With curiosity.
Because sometimes the thing standing between us and the life we want isn’t another strategy we haven’t learned yet.
It’s a belief we haven’t questioned yet.
Ready to explore your belief patterns? Book your FREE Discovery consultation, and let's uncover the beliefs that may be keeping you stuck.
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